


Two strangers in Chicago, sitting on a graffiti-covered bench, both having a bad day

by midnight_queery



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But also not, But it's funny, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I hope, Inside jokes, OUAT - Freeform, Other, Outlaw Maiden, Past Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Robin Hood, Past Outlaw Queen, Screenplay/Script Format, Short, Short One Shot, Swan Queen - Freeform, Trash Fic, crack humor, idfk, im sorry, its so bad its good, like super short, oh gods - Freeform, regina dumps robin for emma, trash, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-10-01 22:11:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnight_queery/pseuds/midnight_queery
Summary: This is a short script where Marian and Robin discuss the quick end to his relationship with Regina. It's modern-- no magic. I put in a lot of jokes only Oncers will get... It's stupid but I love it. It's mainly Outlaw Maiden but Swan Queen is mentioned.





	Two strangers in Chicago, sitting on a graffiti-covered bench, both having a bad day

_ (MARIAN is sitting on the bench, scowling down at her phone, frustration crackling in the air. Enter ROBIN, clearly distraught. He sits on the bench.) _

MARIAN: Excuse you!  _ (she turns her back to him) _

ROBIN: What did I do?

M: I am sitting here trying to think and then you come and get all up in my personal space!

R: We’re in Chicago. Everyone is in everyone else’s personal space 24/7. And why are you so cranky? I’m the one who just lost his fiancee and his job.

M:  _ (turns her body to face forward on the bench, focusing on him) _ How on earth did you manage that all today?

R: What makes you think it happened today?

M: Well you’re being exceptionally rude and while it’s not an excuse… it is a bit of an excuse.  _ (she tucks her phone into her pocket, settling in for the tale) _ So, what happened?

R: Why should I tell you?

M: I want to listen to someone else’s misery to get my mind off my own. Plus I was here first! So spill.

R: ….Fine. I was a student at NYU, and everything was going according to the plan I’d made in middle school. Then I went to a party with some friends and met a girl named Regina. The next thing I know I’m waking up the next day with her beside me--

M: You just met her and you already--

R: No! We were both fully clothed. And laying in the middle of Central Park. With a pony neither of us recognized.

M: So you met her and went pony-napping with her. And by pony-napping I mean kidnapping a pony. And then napping in a park… I guess. What is your life?

R: ANYWAY, we started dating. I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

M: You skip over all the juicy parts don’t you?

R: You wanted to hear about my misery, not my dating life.

M:  _ (pouts and crosses her arms) _ Continue, Mr. Misery.

R: My name is Robin.

M: …

R: And your name is?

M: Ms. Nunya Business. Now get on with the story.

R: So I finally get to meet her parents, and it turns out her mother is the CEO of a huge company, and her father may or may not have some kind of royal blood.

M: Sounds like a manga. Or a Hallmark Christmas movie.

R: Yeah, I wish. Her mother didn’t want her to marry a broke college student--

M: Understandable.

R:  _ (gives her a withering look) _ So she offered me a job at her company, and said if I didn’t accept she would cut my fiancee off financially. We couldn’t all live on the money I had, so I accepted. 

M: You’re easy to push around, aren’t you? Wait-- all?

R: She didn’t know at the time that her daughter was pregnant.

M: YOU’RE REGINA MILLS’ FIANCE!

R: I WAS her fiance.

M:  _ (whips her phone out and opens Instagram) _ It still says you two are engaged here-- oh. Nevermind.

R: She already changed it?! She just broke up with me half an hour ago!

M: Says here her bae is @EmmaSwan. Wait isn’t Emma a girl’s name?

R: Yup.

M: Hunh. What about the baby?

R: I’ve been told not to ever try to contact her or the baby. The Mills family only recognizes members from blood or marriage, not baby daddies.

M: Your life sounds like a cheesy soap opera. Good job.

R: GOOD JOB? What am I supposed to do now? Make a base in this park and recruit other rejects to go rob people?

M: As long as you rob from the rich and give to the poor I’m fine with that.

R: Well the police wouldn’t be.  _ (ROBIN sighs heavily)  _ So now you know. I’m a jobless college dropout with a child on the way, and I’ll never even meet them. 

_ (Silence settles over the two until ROBIN finally turns to MARIAN, a resigned look on his face) _

R: You know my life’s story. May I at least know your actual name?

M: Marian. The way I see it, nothing in life is free, so since I got your story you’ll get mine in return.

R: Ah, yes, let us both wallow in our shared miseries.

M: My life is pretty good for the most part, actually. I have a good job at my aunt’s business, though it is a strange combination of a publishing house and an interior design studio. My family is helpful and kind. I have the sweetest little boy in all the realms.

R: What’s his name?

M: Roland. Why am I telling you all of this? Oh well, it feels… right, somehow.

R: I don’t usually go around spilling my guts to strangers either, though since Regina ripped my heart out I’m not sure about anything anymore.

M: I’m happy with my life, but something is missing. I thought maybe it was… romance. After Roland’s father disappeared--

R: He just disappeared?   


M: He was visiting Chicago, and I met him at a club. Let’s just say I don’t think I ever got his last name and by the time I knew I was pregnant he was long gone.

R: And you were judging me earlier? All I did was steal a pony. Well, that was a lie… I stole three ponies actually. And I’m sure Regina probably helped in some way. I mean-- ( _ ROBIN notices MARIAN’s annoyed look _ ) Ah. Please, continue.

M: I tried a dating app called Storybrooke Connections (“Our users won’t cross the line”), and I met a man named Graham. We dated for two years before I finally couldn’t take it anymore and broke it off earlier today. I just… didn’t feel anything for him. He was nice enough, but… I don’t know.

R: Wait. You were on the phone earlier. Did you break up with him in person or…?

M: No. I broke it off through text. Why?

R: Did Regina rip out your heart too? Or maybe someone froze it.

M: Get to the point, Robbin’ Robin.

R: …

M: Cuz you said you wanted to be a thief.

R: You can’t just break up with a guy through text! What did you even tell him?

M: _ (pulls out phone, taps screen, hands it to ROBIN) _

R: “Graham -- Sorry but I’m breaking up with you. I’m just not feeling it anymore. Have a nice life.”

M: See? I was nice. I even lied and made it seem like I’d felt something to begin with.

R: Poor Graham.

M: He’ll get over it.  _ (MARIAN looks uneasy, then jumps to change the subject)  _ Oh! I just remembered something. There’s a job opening at my aunt’s company. It’s entry level so I’m sure even you can do it.

R: You are much meaner than you look. But I do need a job. So I’ll take it.

M: Great! You’re hired.

R: Don’t you need to ask your aunt first?

M: Why would she care who my new assistant is? Oh, don’t give me that look! A job is a job. Shouldn’t you be thanking me?

R: Thank you very much, fair maiden. Well maybe not an actual maiden, but--

M: “Fair maiden”… that’s the one thing I remember him saying… YOU’RE ROLAND’S FATHER!!!

R: Sorry, but I’ve never met anyone named Marian. There was a girl in a loud club named Mary… Oh. Can I still have the job?

M: Of course. How else will you pay child support?

  
  



End file.
